Why isn’t my wardrobe made of flannel?

8999916D-9809-4358-A4D6-0F6F17A8FE26Every so often I thin down my closet. What am I not wearing? What do I need to stop pretending I am going to wear? A garbage bag later, some stranger on the internet is as happy as a clam and I have more room to indulge my fashion needs. However, there is a pair of pants and a few tops that always come perilously close to the bin… but never quite make it.

We all have one of these outfits. It’s so comfortable you just know it’s not fit for public. Whether it’s the size or the stains or the fashion, none of the rules of fashion apply. You put it on and you know you’re not going to accessorize yourself out of this (unless your accessories include an empty wine bottle) and it won’t matter how you wear your hair because a messy ponytail will be the least of your worries if you are seen.

And yet, the outfit survives the closet thinning every time. You’re like a weak junkie who promises this will be your last hit. You promise yourself you will do better next time. You swear you’ll be like a TV lawyer who comes home, switches out of her power suit and slides into some fashionable winter-white-and-taupe leisure wear so she can clutch her oversized tea mug in both hands in the universal TV land way that rich people use to say, “I am taking a well deserved break from my position of global domination but I still look awesome.”

My outfit (the embarrassing one, not the rich people leisure suit) consists of burgundy stretch pants that I actually wore in public at least twice, a mint green tank top that is so stretched out I could wear it with a friend, and a cream fleece hoodie. This outfit’s only redeeming feature is the amount of cotton it contains. Otherwise, it’s a fashion faux pas so serious, I worry I’ll end up on a People of WalMart email chain.

Last night I wore flannelette pyjamas to bed. This is always a warning sign that this outfit is getting trotted out. As soon as that cozy flannelette kisses my skin, it’s a slippery slope. I already know I’m not rolling stockings up my leg before work in the morning. And sure enough, I got up today with one plan: be cozy. And thus, I am at my desk wearing The Outfit.

Thank goodness I’m working from home today.

PS: the photo with this blog post is from last night. My admission of shame does not include an actual photo.